The Hetalia Seme's Handbook
by the freelance dreamer
Summary: "Spain? What are you doing?" "I'm protecting you!" After reading a copy of "The Seme's Handbook," (courtesy of Germany), Spain attempts to assert his territorial dominance over Romano and continue his never-ending quest to protect Romano from potential suitors. If Romano will even let him, that is. Rated T for Romano, of course.
1. Prologue: The Seme's Handbook

Story: The Hetalia Seme's Handbook

Rating: T for Spanish flailing.

Warning: Implied boy x boy, possible lemon. I know everyone says this, but _don't like, don't read._

For now, this story is going to be rated "T." For anyone who's read the "Seme's Handbook/Uke's Survival Guide," you know how extremely difficult this will be. As the original aim of this fic is humor, we shall see how long I can make this last ;P

Disclaimer: Alas, I do not own Hetalia. Nor do i own "The Seme's Handbook." That credit goes to the illustrious EddieVanPanda on deviantart. However, I did have quite a bit of fun coming up with ways for Spain to try and prove himself to the other nations.

This is just the beginning. _*maniacal evil laughter*_

* * *

Spain blinked down at the book that had been thrust into his hands.

"What's this?"

Germany shifted uncomfortably.

"It's a guide. Japan gave it to me. And seeing how you seem to be having issues, ah, _asserting_ yourself around Southern Italy, I thought that maybe it might help."

"Asserting myself? But I would never want to hurt my cute little Lovi!"

"Not… like that, I mean..." the German gave up and sighed, massaging his temples. This man seemed to be almost as clueless as Italy was.

"Look, just read the introduction."

Spain looked at the German curiously, but flipped to the first section. Germany watched him intently. As the minutes ticked by, Spain's form went rigid, eyes widening as he stared at the text. Two minutes later, he carefully shut the book. When he looked up, Germany could see his eyes had gone wide with panic.

"Señor Germany, I haven't been doing _any_ of these things!"

"Ja," said Germany, nodding his gravely. "and in order to advance in your relationship with Southern Italy, you have to do all of those things, exactly by the book, _no exceptions!"_

Or so Japan had told him. _And Japan had been right so far…_

"I had no idea Lovi was in so much trouble! Is this what you've been going through to protect Feliciano?"

Germany felt the color rise in his face. Not wanting to meet the Spaniards eyes, he stared resolutely to the side, mumbling, "Ja… some of them."

_He just hoped Spain never asked which ones. Lord help him…_

* * *

A/N: Inspired by Machi-pan's application of the guide to Death Note. Her's is entirely different though.

Also, I am taking requests for "Rules" you want to see in the future. R&R!


	2. Rule 1: Semes Don't Eat Cake

_Rule #1. Semes don't eat cake._

* * *

Spain stared out the window.

It was a beautiful day. Sunlight filtered through the foliage outside and continued far into the room, creating bright patterns of chiaroscuro along the walls. Spain idly traced the moving patterns of light and shadow with a forefinger, musing over the "book" that Germany had handed to him after the meeting the other day. Well, it wasn't really a _book, per say,_ more like a set of guidelines...

Although he couldn't quite fathom the reasoning behind the first rule. Surely there was nothing wrong with eating cake?

Still, Germany had told him that if he wanted to improve his relationship with Romano, he needed to follow at least _some_ of the guidelines.

And he had to start _somewhere._ So if he couldn't follow this most basic tenant of asserting his masculinity, how could he expect his Lovi to take him seriously?

_B-b-but cake..._

_"Dios_," Spain muttered, thrusting a hand through his unruly hair.

Romano barged into the room, interrupting his thoughts.

"Hey Spain, Italy and I made some tiramisu, do you want to eat it now or-"

Romano abruptly stopped mid-sentence and stared at Spain.

"Are you _crying_, bastard? What's wrong with you, it's just cake."

"_Lo_ _siento,_ Lovi," Spain murmured, turning away. "I don't think I can eat it now. Or ever again."

Silence.

Spain turned back, almost hesitant. Lovino hadn't said anything. Did that mean he had overcome the first part of getting Romano to recognize his role as the dominant male partner?

Spain turned his hopeful eyes to the Southern Italian, looking for that spark of realization that let him know that Romano understood what he was trying to say.

Instead, Romano racked him.

"You – you bastard! You decide to stop eating desserts after_ I_ make it?"

"Fratello, no!"

Romano stalked away, Feliciano trailing frantically after him and leaving Spain to roll around helplessly on the living room floor in pain.

* * *

Poor Antonio! He's off to a rough start.

For those of you who haven't read the "Seme's handbook/Uke survival guide," google just that. It's on EddieVanPanda's deviant art.

Rule 14, and 17 are on their way! Leave a comment if you have a rule you want to see! Or if you have any ideas for how you want a certain rule to be... shall we say... _executed... *_eyes glint mischievously*


	3. Rule 14: Always Take Precautions

_Rule 14. Ukes ooze pheromones. Chances are you can't sense them; equip all possible aggressors among your underlings with gas masks just in case._

* * *

"Bonjour, mon ami! Gilbert and I have come to take you drinking with us! You need to get out of the house more often, watching you slowly waste away from sexual frustration is, in a word, _tragique_! Maybe one of these days we'll convince you to bring your _petit_ _Romano_ along ~ Antonio, aren't you going to let us in?"

France's expression became even more confused as Spain shoved rubbery into his hands.

"What's this?" Gilbert asked, lifting the contraption between his thumb and forefinger to inspect it.

Spain smiled apologetically, before setting his features, adopting a stern expression.

"_Lo siento, mi amigo_, but I'm afraid I cannot let you in the house unless you put this on."

"What, are you fumigating the place or something?" Gilbert let out a short laugh, before cutting off, eyes widening in slight panic as he watched Spain pull a similar one over his own head a tug it resolutely into place. "Wait, where's mine?"


End file.
